


Seeing Clear

by preciousbunnynoiz



Series: Love doesn't fix all but can help [8]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Child Abuse, Depressed Victor Nikiforov, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Gaslighting, Healthy Relationships, Humiliation, M/M, Mocking, Supportive Katsuki Yuuri, Toxic Relationships, Verbal Abuse, writing fic instead of therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-22
Updated: 2018-06-22
Packaged: 2019-05-26 17:25:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,148
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15005753
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/preciousbunnynoiz/pseuds/preciousbunnynoiz
Summary: Victor's slow realisation that he grew up in an emotionally abusive household





	Seeing Clear

**Author's Note:**

> flashbacks are in italics

It doesn’t happen immediately. 

Of course it doesn’t. 

Because how could he know? 

  
  


It starts though the very night Yurio left Hasetsu. 

They were in the dining room of Yu-topia celebrating and Yuuri was enjoying his kastudon.

Victor really truly meant no harm. He simply meant it as a harmless joke. They were harmless right? 

“I’m glad you’re enjoying your prize,” he told Yuuri, their conversation fairly private because everyone else was focused on the drinking match between Toshyia and Minako, “but be careful, we don’t want the little piggy coming back~”

Yuuri made a face and put down his chopsticks, his face serious.

“Victor. I know I should have said this that first night but it really hurts my feelings when you call me a pig. I have enough issues with my weight and had enough hurtful comments that it’s not cute or funny to me” Yuuri looked away.

“You said you wanted to help my self confidence. Calling me a pig does the opposite” 

Victor felt cold all over. As cold as a Russian winter as cold as…

 

_ He’s thirteen and shivering as his parents make him sit out on the balcony with them while they smoke. _

_ “Vitenka really looks like a horse doesn’t he!” his mother squealed loudly with laughter.  _

_ Victor red with humiliation tried to hide more behind his long hair.  _

_ “Oh my god he does! With his big teeth and nose!” his father joined in the laughter. _

_ “Please stop” Victor asked quietly. _

_ “What was that?” his father asked exaggeratedly “What I heard was-” his father brayed like a horse causing his mother to laugh even harder.  _

_ “Too bad he’s not horse like everywhere” his father continued, “can’t even fill out a cup properly can he!”  _

_ Tears sprung to Victor’s eyes as he hugged himself burning with humiliation. _

_ “Please! It’s not funny! It really hurts my feelings! And it’s not even true”  _

_ The mood switched instantly. _

_ “Oh my god it’s just a joke what the fuck!” His father shouted, his face twisted in fury. _

_ “For fucks sake get a thick skin stop being so ridiculously sensitive” his mother spat as if Victor was disgusting. _

_ Victor was crying. He couldn't help it. Why were they shouting at him? He just said it hurt his feelings he didn’t even yell!”  _

_ “God! Get a sense of humour! You’re never going to make friends at this rate” His father was red with anger as he took a drag of his cigarette. _

_ “I’m going inside” Victor said quietly. The last thing he heard as he slipped inside was his father saying:  _

_ “Great now he’s acting like  _ **_we’re_ ** _ the unreasonable ones…”  _

 

Victor blinked, his throat tight with the memory. 

Of course Yuuri didn’t like being compared to a pig.

“I’m really sorry Yuuri, I didn’t mean it cruelly. I actually think your weight was cute like an adorable baby piglet. But I should have thought about how you’d take it. Of course I’ll stop. I’m really sorry I upset you” and god he felt like crap. He never wanted to treat Yuuri like that.

But Yuuri smiled back at him easing the sick feeling Victor had in his gut.

“Thank you, I appreciate that and I’m sorry I should have said something the first time” but he made no move to pick up his chopsticks.

Victor picked them up and offered a morsel to Yuuri.

“As your coach I’ve decided you get two bowls for putting up with my rudeness so politely.” 

“I’ll get fat”

“No you won’t because you worked so hard” 

Yuuri took the bite with a mysterious smile on his face.

  
  


The next progression happened at the beach.

Yuuri was closing him out and Victor didn’t know what to do.

When Yuuri didn’t show up to practice Victor walked back to the inn wondering what he should do when the flashback hit.

 

_ He’s ten and had just finished getting ready for school.  _

_ “I’m ready for school!” he yelled into the house. His mother came around the corner and pet his hair. _

_ “My beautiful perfect boy! You’re really the best kid a parent could ask for. Much better behaved than your older brother” she cooed.  _

_ Victor flushed with happiness. _

_ “Thank you Mother” _

_ “Now go to school like a good boy” _

_ That evening she barely looked at him, slamming plates and books around as made dinner. _

_ “I...I had a good day at school.”  _

_ No response. _

_ “...I saw a cool butterfly at break” _

_ Still no response. _

_ “...Practice was good-” _

_ “No one cares!” his mother shouted. The first time she’d looked straight at him and responded with more than one word the entire evening. _

_ “...I’m sorry” Victor whispered. _

_ “Goddamnit! Always rabbiting away. Just be quiet for fucks sake! You’re old enough to know better” and Victor nodded in agreement even though the previous night she’d insisted he talk about his school day all through dinner.  _

 

The emotional whiplash he got from his mother’s changing moods reminded him of the important rule. He needed to play the right role at the right time.

With his mother he couldn’t ever seem to time it right but Yuuri seemed more stable. But with his mother the roles were fixed. Either Perfect Son or Perfect Statue.

There was no inbetween.

With Victor he had no map to the role Yuuri wanted him to fill. 

He never expected Yuuri to reject all the roles and just want  _ him _ .

He didn’t know what to do with that.

  
  


“Skaters hearts are fragile as glass. Lets try shattering it” Victor thought.

“Yuuri, if you don’t make the podium I’ll step down as your coach” Victor hoped it worked though he felt dirty using this tactic though he doesn’t know why.

Then the tears began and Victor  __had NO idea what to do.

Jesus. 

Seeing Yuuri cry was  **far** too painful to continue with this charade. How had his parents kept it up in front of crying child? 

“I’m sorry Yuuri I wasn’t serious-”  of course he wasn’t it was just something people said, right?

“Why would you say that? Like you’re trying to test me?” 

“ I’m used to being blamed for my own failures but this time my mistakes will reflect on you! I’ve been wondering if you secretly want to quit!” Yuuri was actually shouting at him but why on earth would he think Victor would actually leave? 

“Of course not!” 

“I KNOW!”

The shout reverberated around the carpark. Suddenly struck with headache Victor rubbed his forehead.

“I’m not good with people crying in front of me. Should I just kiss you or something?”

“NO! Just have more faith than me that I’ll win! Just stay by my side and never leave!”  

Victor’s eyes widened.

 

_ “If you don’t get a perfect score on this weeks spelling test I’m throwing out your bear” _

_ “If you don’t get gold I’m shredding your poster” _

_ “If you don’t get gold I’m going to get rid of your dog” _

_ “Oh I might as well kill myself right? _

_ “I’m not being serious! Jesus Christ I’m just motivating you. Fucks sake! Stop crying!”  _

_ “I’m going to leave you here if you keep crying”  _

 

“I’m sorry” Victor finally answered quietly, “That was unnecessarily cruel of me. I won’t do it again”

Yuuri didn’t answer immediately and Victor wondered when he became his mother.

  
  


“What are you doing?” 

“Oh...I’m just surprised you’re crying”

A pulse of pain in Victor’s chest.

“I’m mad okay!” 

 

_ Victor is breathing hard, holding Makkachin close to his chest as he lays on his bed in a foetal position.  _

_ The tears are still falling despite his tightly closed eyes. _

_ His chest hurts as he tries to repress the sobs. _

_ Don’t be found don’t be found don’t be found _

_ Crying isn’t allowed and Victor doesn’t want to be yelled at. _

_ Two more weeks he’ll be 16 and then he can live with Yakov. _

_ Two more weeks  _

_ Two more weeks. _

_ They promised _

_ Stop crying  _

_ Stop it _

_ Crying is bad and Victor shouldn’t cry. _

_ Stop crying _

 

Victor is half in the conversation and half in the flashback. Terrified of what Yuuri thinks

Because Victor  _ cried _

And Victor never cries 

_ Stop crying _

_ Stop it _

They get through the main argument leaving it in an uneasy truce. 

Victor’s head hurts and his shoulders and chest ache. He closes his eyes and rubs his temples. Yuuri, for all the tension from earlier hanging around them, makes a sympathetic noise and leaves him for a moment. 

Victor hears a clink of a glass and a running tap followed by a rustling sound and a crinkle of plastic and then Yuuri is there pressing and tablets into Victor’s hands.

“Here, I know crying leaves you wrung out” Yuuri says and Victor stiffens.

“I’m sorry!” he shouldn’t have cried, crying is wrong.

_ Don’t cry! Whatever you do don’t cry! _

“For what? Crying?” Yuuri seems confused and Victor can only nod in response.

Yuuri softens.

“Can I hug you?” he asks and when Victor nods envelopes him in an embrace.

“It’s okay to cry. I know I feel better emotionally after I’ve cried it out”

_ Must not cry _

“I...I don’t really cry very often” Victor admitted.

“Really? But it’s okay if you need to”

_ Must not cr- _

_ “It’s okay to cry” _

“I’ll...try to keep that in mind”

 

What really tipped it over the edge was the phone call.

“Hi Mother”

“Hi.” 

Victor’s smile fell.

“Um I have lots of news!” he said brightly because he needed to keep a smile on his face.

“Do you.” 

“I’m engaged!” surely she’d be happy for him.

“Congratulations.” The same flat tone. Victor felt his expression crumple. The next part wouldn’t be easy but needed to be done.

“I’m..I’ve also started seeing a counsellor for my depression” 

There was a long pause which made Victor nervous. He’d sent an email before explaining his diagnosis and that he’d had it since childhood. 

“Um.. Mother?”

“You’re not  _ depressed” _ His mother finally responded with a hiss, “You were a perfectly happy child. Always calm and happy. Doing so well with your skating. This is just an attention thing. I mean what do you hope to accomplish with this?” 

 

_ “You broke my pot! How would you like if I destroyed one of your things?”  _

_ “No mother please!” _

_ Eight year old Victor looked down at the table as his mother snatched his brother’s toy rabbit. A gift from their grandparents. _

_ His brother crying in front of her. _

_ “I didn’t mean to! Please stop!”  _

_ She didn’t say anything as she slowly cut it to shreds in front of them. _

_ Victor shaking and sick to his stomach stared at the table.  _

 

_ Fourteen year old Victor sitting on the couch. _

_ “No you can’t go out wearing that! I mean your brother is a whore and he doesn’t dress like that!” his father gestured to Victor who felt sick just being pulled into this question. _

_ “I’m a virgin!” fell out of his mouth in his surprise. _

_ His father snorted. _

_ “Yeah sure. Everyone knows you’re a slut just own it”  _

_ Victor went red with shame. He really was a virgin. He didn’t even know how to flirt. Why did his parents keep calling him a slut? _

_ It’s probably his fault. _

 

It was like a strong wind pushed the clouds away and Victor could see clearly for the first time.

His family was emotionally abusive.

He’d been abused.

This was abuse.

How had he not seen it before?

 

“Victor! Are you listening to me?” his  mother’s voice shook him out of the moment.

“Not anymore” he answered before hanging up the phone slowly, ignoring the screeching.

He stayed sat on the bed for a moment before going to look for Yuuri who was dancing in the kitchen as he cleaned.

Wordlessly Victor joined him, hugging him from behind.

Yuuri laughed and leaned back into him.

“Good phone call?” he asked and Victor winced before shaking his head. Yuuri went still in his arms.

“Want to talk about it?”

There was a pause.

“So a parent calling their teenager a slut and making fun of their looks and then screaming because the teen asked them to stop because it hurt their feelings...that’s incredibly fucked up isn’t it?” 

Yuuri tensed in his arms before spinning around so he could look Victor in the eye.

“Yes it’s fucked up! Are you okay?” Yuuri cradled Victor’s face in his hands and Victor thought hard about the question.

“...I think I am right now. I’m keeping it locked away in my head as something to deal with in therapy at them moment. But realising you grew up in an abusive household is kind of freeing?” 

Yuuri gazed intently into his eyes before nodding and hugging him tightly. 

“Well if you need me I’m here”

Victor hugged back just as tightly.

“I know”

Victor had a new family.

Maybe it was time to make it his only family. 

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so this because I realised today that I grew up in a household that was emotionally abusive as fuck.
> 
> All of Victor's flashbacks? Strongly based on my actual experiences. In fact the only changes I really made had to do with gender.
> 
> I'm okay because they live 10,000 miles away
> 
> But yeah I had a fucked up upbringing and because of that things I thought of as things you just did in arguments. Like threatening to kill yourself to win an argument with a 14 year old. 
> 
> I had to unlearn that. 
> 
> A patient husband with a "normal" family and living on the otherside of the globe and a lot of therapy really helped
> 
> The cycle ends with me
> 
> This was cathartic really


End file.
